If the Passover Story Were Reported
by The New York Times or CNN
By Daniel P. Waxman
The cycle of violence between the Jews & the Egyptians continues with
no end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous plagues that have destroyed
the Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian citizens,
the Jews launched a new offensive this week in the form of the plague of darkness.
Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. "It is
simply impossible to report when you can't see an inch in front of you,"complained
a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. "I have heard from my reliable Egyptian
contacts that in the midst of the blanket of blackness, the Jews were annihilating
thousands of Egyptians. Their word is solid enough evidence for me."
While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given the harsh slavery
imposed upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the Egyptian leader, rebuts this
claim. "If only the plagues would let up, there would be no slavery.
We just want to live plague-free. It is the right of every society."
Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson, complains that slavery is justifiable
given the Jews' superior weaponry supplied to them by the superpower God.
The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish offensive. "The
Jewish aggression must cease if there is to be peace in the region. The Jews
should go back to slavery for the good of the rest of the world," stated
an angry French President Jacques Chirac. Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro,
a Jew, has barricaded himself within Pharaoh's chambers to protect Pharaoh
from what is feared will be the next plague, the death of the firstborn. Mr.
Shapiro claims that while slavery is not necessarily a good thing, it is the
product of the plagues and when the plagues end, so will the slavery. "The
Jews have gone too far with plagues such as locusts and epidemic which have
virtually destroyed the Egyptian economy," Mr. Shapiro laments. "The
Egyptians are really a very nice people and Pharaoh is kind of huggable once
you get to know him," gushes Shapiro.
The United States is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the Jewish leaders, continue
to negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses points out that Pharaoh had made promise
after promise to free the Jewish people only to immediately break them and
thereafter impose harsher and harsher slavery, Richard Boucher of the State
Department assails the latest offensive. "Pharaoh is not in complete
control of the taskmasters," Mr. Boucher states. "The Jews must
return to the negotiating table and will accomplish nothing through these
plagues." The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold new
Saudi peace overture. If only the Jews will give up their language, change
their names to Egyptian names and cease having male children, the Arab nations
will incline toward peace with them, Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah declared
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